My heart is locked away somewhere

it’s allowed out a couple of times a week

when I visit you at the hospital.

I find it confusing how your imprint exists on my bed,

a bed you haven’t slept in.

I gave away our bed to someone else

to get rid of even your imprint’s imprint,

but it lingers

intractable

and sometimes I lie on top of it and 

feel held.

 

It is hard holding on to you

I like to let my thoughts float and lose track of time

Much like you

I like to not hold on to

things

like

you

 

Your mind is locked away

A little bit like my heart

 

It is strange to be touched by

not-your-hands

It is strange to have conversations

that are so ordinary

I do not miss your madness

(That’s a lie)

 

I carry fragments of your damage

They rip me a little on the inside

Then I fix it

Maybe that’s why I carry them

I like to fix things

You know that

I walk around with

a little glue and a hammer

 

It is hard to explain

how easy it is to find you

inside my head

Your lack of structure

allows me in

easily

as if it was never meant 

to keep me out

 

You are wandering the halls

of what they would call

a bad place

but it’s a good place

Maybe that’s where I should keep

my heart

 

I wonder if you remember much

or if so

how

 

I have no warmth

although

I have some sanity

left over

We could try to share some of it

when I visit you next

 

I think about beds a lot

the one I gave away

the one you sleep on

in that place

I hope you don’t leave an imprint

there

Don’t leave anything there

It’s a good place but

I want you to leave

because that would mean

you’re better

 

I echo your thoughts a lot

it is scary sometimes

what if they lead me

into that space that you inhabit and then

we’re stuck there again

together

but

not alright

 

My shrink says I want to break down

to meet you

halfway

but

I don’t want to meet you

I want to live inside you

 

I’ve been told it’s not safe

It feels strange

being told that

my safe space is not safe

 

Sometimes I sit 

and all my thoughts just melt

into things I know you put there

They’re a little unnerving but I cannot help

and get lost

it’s so colourful in there

 

My blue briefly becomes the same as

your blue.

The voices you hear

I want to silence them

The things you see

I want to fix all their corners

and blurry edges

 

I want to hunt things down

before they enter your head

I want to destroy the walls

the ones between us

that claim you’re not the same

that you’re not sane

 

I want to break stuff

because you’re not around

to hold your hands up

for me to punch 

till all my anger

all my violence 

subsides

 

I come home now and 

There are no more hands held up for me

So the punches land inside me

 

Every day they land inside me.

 

I want to break the corridors that you wander and let you just

walk in the mountains

where my terrible jokes and

your wincing at them

is ok

 

We can never really tell

where you are

You visit sometimes and I like that

but then you disappear inside

that place

without warning

leaving me

and the rest

behind

 

I want to burn that place

but that would singe you

So all I can do is patiently wait

for when you come out

of that place

 

I go to that place sometimes

when I’m sad

when I’m lonely

when I’m unable

when I’m done

 

I now have a map of that place

inside me

When I hear Rockland

it makes me shudder

They have no idea, do they?

 

I think I’m so used to finding you

You cannot be lost 

 

there are no roads

no circles

no points

The map is a strange map

 

I comprehend your words

although I’m not supposed to

because they might say

(whisper)

she’s lost, too

 

I pretend my map is a book

I act like that place is a memory

I feign 

normalcy

I attempt complete deception

You’re not around to see through it

 

Have you heard?

I collect masks now

That must amuse you no end

Me and masks

I know

 

I try to do things sometimes

Things I used to

but it’s a funny feeling

staged

uncooked

it feels vague

 

You need to come bind me

The voices are here too sometimes

I greet them with warmth

I do not fear them

because those voices?

They talk to me about you and

remind me of you

 

It’s so easy to talk to you

it always has been

We never used words anyway

so now it’s easier still

 

I go for long walks with you

Do you get tired?

I eat and drink and smoke

And you hold my hand

Just like that

So warm

 

I like how it never gets

truly lonely

I carry you

all the places

I ever go

 

I met you in a forest

I drove around a coast with you

We laughed so hard at

my drunken waddle

(I’m your Hobbit again)

 

I don’t like it 

when you leave

You never fade away

You just walk in and out

It’s hard to keep track now

 

Remember how my heart raced

 

whenever we made eye contact?

You once called it a parlour trick

in anger

It made my heart sink for days

and my feet dragged

I can do that now

All on my own

Just inside

 

I miss being hurt

and pissed off at your words

The good parts are easy to carry

the bad ones I can’t seem to

but I long for them

 

I do foolish things and

I look up (inside) to see

if you notice

and maybe I’ll get a reprimand

 

I know they think this is stupid

or something

I am being self destructive

or something

I need to move on

let go

fuck off

 

I’m looking for pieces of you

in eyes

in hugs

in entangled limbs

There must be some parts of you

out there

(Here)

 

I know it gets too much

I’ve seen the traces of fear

in people’s faces when i get

‘too much’

I was always a little more

than necessary

Now I’m more than bearable

(you know the drill)

 

You understand what it is

to have them stare blankly

look puzzled

or worried for you

when you explain 

how you feel

what you hear

and see

Or when you are just being

you

 

I wish they’d just send me to you

not to visit

but to stay

with you

like you

wandering hallways

together

 

I’d get bored and clean the floor

or change the sheets

or punch your hands

and we could stay inside again

like we used to.

Forgotten, forgetting.